Healthy Relationships: A Simple Guide
I began my career in paediatrics, helping parents understand how their own attachment histories shape the way they connect with others, and more importantly, what to do in order to build a healthy and secure relationship with their child.
Theraplay offered a powerful framework for me through 4 key elements:
Structure
Engagement
Nurture
Challenge
I wondered… what if these same principles could guide adult relationships too?
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1. Structure (Safety & Predictability)
Children feel secure when adults provide clear boundaries and consistency through empathetic guidance (not through control or being punitive)
In adult relationships, structure means reliability and emotional safety, which may look like:
Keeping promises and showing up when you say you will
Setting and respecting boundaries
Repairing after conflict
Creating shared rituals (e.g. a coffee in the morning together, a regular catch up etc.)
Structure says: “You can count on me.”
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2. Engagement (Joy & Connection)
Parents can engage meaningfully with their children through attunement and shared joy (e.g. eye contact, smiling, laughter etc.)
In adult relationships, engagement means mutual attunement and delight in each other’s company, which may look like:
Laughing and having fun together
Showing curiosity about each other
Sharing affection and eye contact
Celebrating small moments
Engagement says: “I see you and enjoy you.”
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3. Nurture (Care & Compassion)
For parents, soothing, protecting and comforting their child is all about sending the message “you are loved and worthy of care”.
In adult relationships, nurture means mutual care and compassion. Adults can both give and receive nurture, though sometimes one partner may need more in certain circumstances, which may look like:
Emotional validation (not problem-solving)
Small acts of kindness (e.g. opting to make dinner because they had a tough day)
Physical affection (e.g. touching, hugging) that is soothing and down regulating
Allowing vulnerability and care without shame
Nurture says: “You matter to me, and I will care for you when you need it”
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4. Challenge (Growth & Support)
Parents can help their child build confidence and competence through collaboration and support in an effort to build their experiences of mastery.
In adult relationships, challenge means encouragement and respectful growth, which may look like:
Encouraging each other’s personal goals and self-development
Trying new experiences together (e.g. a new restaurant)
Offering honest and respectful feedback
Celebrating courage(e.g. I know that conversation was hard, and I’m proud of you for having it)
Challenge says: “I believe in you, and want to see you thrive”
